larryhansen.org

Thanks for stopping by.  It's been too long.  Check back often for new updates.

Most of the data was preserved from before I shut off larryhansen.org.  That made me feel pretty good.  

Need to figure out the direction of the site, and a way to earn some income.  Any suggestions?

On my sabbatical I fully intend to figure out the questions that have been haunting me.  I also intend to move the blog to a different hosting company. 

This means a couple things...

1.  the blog will still be located at larryhansen.org

2.  contributors will have new usernames and passwords

3.  other than that, it's not a big deal

4.  the new hosting site will offer more features, better media integration, and an opportunity for more information to be present for viewers.

Not sure if I'll be posting over the next few days, but I fully intend to make this site "a force to recon with" in the blog community.  Just need to find the niche that it fits into. 

Questions...

These are the questions that I am going to start with.

1.  If it truly is okay to be me, why do I hate myself so much?

2.  Why do I feel I must try to be something I am not?

3.  How do I encourage myself to be the man that I am?

4.  What are things that I enjoy?  How do I do them more often?

5.  What exactly is it that I want to accomplish with this life?

6.  Do I believe in God.  I mean the God from the bible.

I think that's a good start, and maybe too much for only three days. 

LMH

Hate. In my life, I have grown accustomed to the ease at which I am able to hate. It is much easier for me to feel hatred than it is for me to feel love. I have not let many people into my circle; Not that there is anything in my circle right now that makes it worth entering. I don’t know when or how I started feeling such anger and hatred toward the world. I only know that it’s time to stop feeling that way, and start seeing the world with the awe and gratefulness it deserves.

Anger. I find myself angry a lot. I get angry about money, my insecurities, my wife, the way I’ve chosen to live my life, the fact that I feel like I am underappreciated. There are countless other reasons for my anger as well. The root of my anger is the goal of this exercise. Why am I so mad? What is it that I am truely angry about? Is life really that bad? Why go through life with such a chip on my shoulder? Am I that much more intelligent than everyone else that I have been given the opportunity to judge? If so, how can I be an impartial judge if anger is the resulting verdict in all judgements?

Despair. I despair. I have lost the hope that I will change the world. I remember when I was growing up, I was convinced that I would do something to change this world. I craved fame. I craved infamy. I craved any sort of event that would call my name to minds of people. I still crave this. The problem is, I have given up any dreams that I will be the success that I so want to be. I become depressed wtih the idea that I will just be a sales manager at a car dealership for the next thirty years. How can that change the world? How can that have the impact that I want it to? I despair because I want to be someone! I want to have the world look upon me as a savior. I realize now that these are all delusions of grandjure. It is hard to come to the realization that I am just like everyone else. I am not “special”. I have no qualities that set me apart from the rest of society. I am as normal as they come. A large part of this journey I have undertaken will be to grasp this concept. This may be the most difficult part for me.

I sometimes wish that I had a device that would let me look into other people’s souls. I wonder what I would see? I wonder what my soul looks like? When I say soul I don’t mean it in the traditional “christian” sense. I mean it in the sense of the collection of events that have shaped a person’s life. The collage of experiences that have formed this persons paradigms and response mechanisms. I should like to see mine someday.

I have done many positive things with my life. I usually fail to give myself credit for those. Instead I choose to focus on my failures and evils toward others. Why do you suppose that is? Why do I forgo the credit that is due to me, and only focus on only the follies? Why do I continually beat myself like the savage?

I suppose this is the question that I have been seeking during this week of self exposure. I have laid my soul bare in front of me with the idea that I would be able to find the answers that I am looking for. Instead of answers in the traditional sense, I have found this one question. Why can’t I let go of the past? Why do I still live in it even as I breathe right now? What change needs to transpire for my reluctant mind to move to the future? The past is not a happy place for me. Why don’t I move on? Why stay where it hurts?

Why can’t I let go of the past? That’s the answer to my riddle. It would figure that the answer should be a question. That’s just like me. It just can’t be easy for me. I suppose that I might scrawl on paper all of things in the past that hurt, and all of the mistakes I’ve made. Then I may burn that paper in front of my eyes to watch all of that go away. Would that work? Would it be worth the pain that comes with recalling of these memories?

I might also try to lock out all of the past from my mind and heart and attempt to begin anew. I just don’t think I am able to conjure a lock that will keep those beasts out. Although I have manufactured a lock that keeps them in…(?)

I did not think that the idea of self-realization would only take a week. It seems, as per usual, that I am able to accomplish a task faster than most. I don’t always arrive at the correct answers, but I do usually finish first (ask anyone I’ve slept with . So, the quest now is to answer that one lingering question.

WHY CAN’T I LET GO OF THE PAST

Looking back at this, more than a year later, it still gives me the creeps...

It’s not often that I am startled. I like to think that I can rationalize almost anything that happens, or that I perceive is going to happen in my life. Last night I was startled. I’ll give you as close to a play by play as I can.

At approx 8:45PM last night I finished my last cash delivery. I was pretty beat down. I had six cash deliveries yesterday. That means that I left my house at 6:15 yesterday morning and worked until 8:45PM, and made ZERO DOLLARS. Needless to say, I was ready for a beer or ten. I called my ol’ drinking buddy Dan, and he met me at a local bar.

We were in the middle of probably our second beer (red bull and vodka for Dan) when this old looking woman sat in the seat next to me. I looked around the bar and there were many seats open. In fact, there were probably only ten other people in the bar. I thought it was weird, but didn’t really care. I was more interested in drinking and swapping lies about the car business.

About thirty minutes later, the woman looked at me and asked, “What does the number 752 mean to you?”

I thought about it for a minute and told her that it has no meaning that I’m aware of. She looked at me in the eyes and said, “Isaac, Noah, and Grace. What do those names mean to you?”

I almost fell off my fucking stool. She put her hand on my shoulder, as if to steady me, and said, “It’s coming really fast. I see pictures of you. I see pictures of your past, your future, and what could be your future. I can’t stop them, your aura is amazing. I see so much. I need a minute to... Your mother has passed?”

“No”, I said. “She is still alive.”

“No, your mother has passed. She’s standing behind you. I see her. She has a chair. I see a chair. She’s dancing. She protects you.”

“No, my moth... Oh my fucking God! You can’t know that! You can’t know that!”, I shrieked. “How can you know that? How can you know? That’s fucking impossible.”

She was quiet for about another ten minutes. I was thankful for that becuase she just gave me the ages of children, nearly pegged their names, and saw my aunt Barb dancing behind me. I was just a little unnerved.

Her next comments to me were just as startling. “You have three children. Two boys, one girl. The oldest boy keeps turning his back to me. He has been turned against you. I’m not sure by who, but you are not as close as either of you would like. There will come a time when he needs you, and you will find out that he is more like you than you know. There will be a defining moment in his life when he will prove himself to you, and you will weep. Your middle child. Noah, is it? He is you reincarnate. He will never let you down. He has so much love. He will make you proud. He will go into a selfless position. Be careful not to be too hard on him because he loves you so much. Think of how you felt when you were just a child. He feels the same way now. And your baby. She is beautiful. Strawberry blond hair. She will become a huge success. Something like president, or a doctor, or a lawyer. She is destined for greatness. You will help her with that, but I seea woman leading her. Your daughter and your second son will always be with you. No matter what. I have trouble seeing the oldest because he keeps turning his back to me.”

“You can’t know this.” I muttered.

“I see you, oh God, it’s coming so clear, so fast (she said that a lot). I see you in green fields. I see much grass. I see sunshine. I see mountains. I see peace. I see that you are searching for something. Honey, you will find it. It’s looking for you, as well. You will find it. The thing is, you won’t necessarily know that you’ve found it when you do. Eventually, you will know, but it will be hidden from you for a time. I see two women in your life. I see a reserved, thin, well dressed woman. Blond hair. She is beautiful. I see dark hair. I see freckles around her nose. I’m not sure who you are with, or end up with, but there are definitely two women. You will have to make a choice. It’s possible that you have already made that choice. Remember, what I see either has happened, could happen, or will happen. I can’t see past choices that you make.”

At this point I should have asked her if the girl with freckles has big boobs. I didn’t think about it at the time. I am a boob guy. This lady, I never got her name, was quiet again for awhile. I just sat at the bar, totally over the idea of getting drunk. I was now interested in being drunk on this old lady’s premonitions.

“An old man. A grey suit. He’s very stocky, or built...”

I thought to myself, I got you. The old man that I think she’s talking about is from several dream like experiences when I was younger. The man that I saw was very old and very thin. Very nice grey hair. Thick grey hair. She’s finally wrong about something!

“No”, she says. “He is very slight of build, but his spirit is strong. I see that now. I see his hair. Thick grey hair. Very old. He protects you. He watches over you. He fights for you. Your Great Grandfather’s brother, or Great Great Grandfather’s brother? I can’t see that.”

Fuck. “YOU CAN’T KNOW THAT!!! It’s fucking impossible.” I exclaimed.

“You will have to make a choice. When the weather turns colder you will have to make a choice about your career. I see money. I see a lot of money. I see you possibly in a different path. I see you making the choice. After you’ve made that choice, you will become a leader of men. I see you in a field with your subordinates. I see you leading them. I see money. You will make a lot of money. You work hard. This new career will test you. It will test your loyalty. It will test your soul. You are covered in silver and gold.”

She explained the reference to silver and gold, but I’ve forgotten. Something about money and being protected.

“Your daughter will be very important. She will help people. I’m not sure how. She loves you.”

I have some work to do now. I will try to post more later. This is fucking crazy though. I swear to you that this not made up. This shit happened.